reports/50ways.html

   1 <HTML>
   2 <HEAD>
   3 <TITLE>50 ways to confuse, worry, or just scare</TITLE>
   4 </HEAD>
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   6 <BODY>
   7
   8 <H1>50 ways to confuse, worry, or just scare the bejeezus out of people in the
   9 computer lab</H1>
  10
  11 <OL>
  12 <LI>Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
  13     "Oh my God!  They've found me!" and bolt.
  14
  15 <LI>Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
  16
  17     suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
  18
  19 <LI>When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
  20 you
  21     can't get the damn thing to work.  After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
  22     minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
  23
  24 <LI>Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
  25     evilly.
  26
  27 <LI>Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
  28     screen than the one it's set up with.
  29
  30 <LI>Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
  31     highest volume possible over & over again.
  32
  33 <LI>Work normally for a while.  Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
  34     on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
  35
  36 <LI>Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
  37     Pentagon files.
  38
  39 <LI>Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
  40
  41 <LI>Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
  42
  43 <LI>Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it.  If anyone asks why you have it, say
  44      "Just in case..." mysteriously.
  45
  46 <LI>Type on VAX for a while.  Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
  47      everything bad about your life.  Then stop and continue typing.
  48
  49 <LI>Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
  50      crazy while typing.
  51
  52 <LI>Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
  53
  54 <LI>Ask around for a spare disk.  Offer $<LI>Keep asking until someone
  55 agrees.
  56      Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
  57
  58 <LI>Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
  59      "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!"  when it finishes.
  60
  61 <LI>"DISK FIGHT!!!"
  62
  63 <LI>Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you  (It helps
  64      if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
  65
  66 <LI>Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.  Type by
  67      hitting the keys with the straw.
  68
  69 <LI>If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
  70      Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
  71
  72 <LI>Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
  73      monitor.  Try to seduce it.  Act like it hates you and then complain
  74 loudly
  75      that women (men) are worthless.
  76
  77 <LI>Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
  78
  79      doesn't work, get the supervisor.
  80
  81 <LI>When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
  82      smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
  83
  84 <LI>Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
  85 (two
  86      days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
  87
  88 <LI>Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely.  After doing
  89 this
  90      for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
  91
  92 <LI>Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
  93      grinding.  Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person
  94 enough
  95      to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more
  96 effective
  97      to let them linger.
  98
  99 <LI>If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
 100 them
 101      and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
 102
 103 <LI>Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
 104 desk
 105      and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
 106
 107 <LI>Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks.  Remove shoes and place
 108      them of top of the monitor.  Remove socks layer by layer and drape them
 109      around the monitor.  Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of
 110      cotton on plastic.
 111
 112 <LI>Take the keyboard and sit under the computer.  Type up your paper like
 113      this.  Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
 114      conditions.
 115
 116 <LI>Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
 117      continue working.
 118
 119 <LI>Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
 120
 121 <LI>Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
 122      key is F sharp, etc.).  Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.
 123 Write
 124      an entire pape this way.
 125
 126 <LI>Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
 127
 128 <LI>Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind
 129      if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
 130
 131 <LI>Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
 132
 133 <LI>When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
 134      old ways are best.
 135
 136 <LI>Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
 137
 138 <LI>Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
 139      see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your file
 140      isn't affected).  Then look at your neighbor's keyboard.  Hit his/her
 141 delete
 142      key several times, erasing an entire word.  While you do this, ask: "Does
 143      *your* delete key work?"  Shake your head, and resume hitting the space
 144 bar
 145      on your keyboard.  Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page
 146 of your
 147      neighbor's document.  Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know?  I've
 148      been hitting the space bar this whole time.  No wonder it wasn't
 149 deleting!
 150      Ha!"  Print out your document and leave.
 151
 152 <LI>Remove your disk from the drive and hide it.  Go to the lab monitor and
 153      complain that your computer ate your disk.  (For special effects, put some
 154      Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive.  Claim that the computer is
 155      drooling.)
 156
 157 <LI>Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled,
 158 burst out
 159      laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.  Keep laughing, grab your stuff
 160
 161      and leave, howling as you go.
 162
 163 <LI>Point at the screen.  Chant in a made up language while making
 164 elaborate hand
 165     gestures for a minute or two.  Press return or the mouse, then leap
 166 back and
 167     yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!"  peek up from under the table, walk back to the
 168     computer and say.  "Oh, good.  It worked this time," and calmly start to
 169     type again.
 170
 171 <LI>Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
 172
 173 <LI>See who's online.  Send a total stranger a talk request.  Talk to them
 174 like
 175     you've known them all your lives.  Hangup before they geta chance to
 176 figure
 177     out you're a total stranger.
 178
 179 <LI>Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
 180     Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
 181
 182 <LI>Pull out a pencil.  Start writing on the screen.  Complain that the lead
 183      doesn't work.
 184
 185 <LI>Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers
 186      in your hair.  Smile incessantly.  Type a sentence, then laugh happily,
 187
 188      exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen.  Repeat this
 189 after
 190      every sentence.  As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard.
 191 Finally,
 192      hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
 193
 194 <LI>Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then
 195 calmly sit
 196      down and begin to type.
 197
 198 <LI>Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
 199 rev
 200       that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me
 201
 202       that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
 203
 204 <LI>Two words:  Tesla Coil.
 205 </OL>
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