reports/telemarketing.html

   1 <HTML>
   2 <HEAD><TITLE>Tormenting Telmarketers</TITLE>
   3 <!-- Changed by: Petter Reinholdtsen, 22-Jan-1996 -->
   4 </HEAD>
   5
   6 <BODY>
   7 <H1>A Game You Can Play at Home!</H1>
   8
   9 Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new Scourge of the
  10 Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered
  11 if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to
  12 sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take
  13 control of our own phones. We need to take the ``market'' out of
  14 Telemarketing. <P>
  15
  16 <H2>Premise:</H2>
  17
  18 Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you
  19 talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you are
  20 selling. <P>
  21
  22 <H2>Counter-Tactic:</H2>
  23
  24 Waste as much of their time as you can. For each minute that you waste
  25 means several potential customers that will not be reached.  Make
  26 Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only increases the changes for
  27 them to make a sale. Don't let this happen!
  28  <P>
  29
  30 <H2>Hints: </H2>
  31
  32 Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum wage,
  33 and reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy points, and you were
  34 watching Star Trek and weren't using your phone anyway. It's easy to
  35 keep them interested using ``attentive grunting'', similar to when
  36 your mother calls. <P>
  37
  38 <H2>Scoring:</H2>
  39 <H3>Basic Point System:</H3>
  40 <PRE>
  41 For each minute spent on the phone               10 pts.
  42 Getting transfered to someone who makes
  43     more than minimum wage                       15 pts
  44 For each minute spent on the phone with
  45     person making more than minimum wage         25 pts
  46 </PRE>
  47 <H3>Bonus Points:</H3>
  48 <PRE>
  49 Getting them to repeat part of the "script"       5 pts/each
  50 Getting answers to stupid questions              15 pts/each
  51 Changing the subject                             50 pts/each
  52 Making the sales person angry                   175 pts
  53 Making the sales person use profanity           750 pts
  54 Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
  55     the salesman used profanity                1500 pts
  56 Getting their 1-800- number                      10 pts
  57 Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as
  58     a free "Phone Sex" line                      50 pts
  59 Checking the number a week later and it is
  60     busy or disconnected                       5000 pts
  61 </PRE>
  62
  63 <H2>Example:</H2>
  64 <PRE>
  65    <Ring>
  66    Me:     Yes?
  67    Them:   Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning
  68            and we're in your area [...] [start clock->]
  69    Them:   [...] would like to know it you are interested?
  70    Me:     Sure...
  71    Them:   Well, we are currently offering [...]
  72    Them:   [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
  73    Me:     Well, how much for the whole house?
  74    Them:   Let me transfer you to <???> [15 bonus pts!]
  75    Them:   Sir?
  76    Me:     Yes?
  77    Them:   How large is your house? [25 pts/min!]
  78    Me:     Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
  79    Them:   [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
  80    Me:     It won't hurt the floor, will it? [stupid ?]
  81    Them:   Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some time!...]
  82            and is completely safe.
  83    Me:     Even with my pets? [stupid ?]
  84    Them:   Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
  85    Me:     Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
  86    Them:   Yes, and we do that with [...] [repeat!]
  87    Me:     But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
  88            include treating for pets?
  89    Them:   [...]
  90    Me:     Well, it is kindof dirty.  The guys were over for
  91            the game.  Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
  92            [subject change]
  93    Them:   Yes.
  94    Me:     What a game!  That last touchdown pass!  Wasn't that
  95            a great play?
  96    Them:   Well, back to your house...
  97    Me:     Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
  98    Them:   [...]
  99    Me:     Do you clean furniture, too?  Those guys spilled some
 100            beer.  Have you smelled old beer on furniture before?
 101            But what a game, eh?!  I couldn't believe that they
 102            couldn't move the ball in the second quarter...
 103            [...] [subject change]
 104    Them:   Ahem... Would you like us to come out? [angry???]
 105    Me:     Well, when could you come out?
 106    Them:   How about next week?
 107    Me:     Hmmm...  Morning or afternoon?
 108    Them:   Either would be fine.
 109    Me:     Do you have anything the week after?
 110    Them:   Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?
 111
 112    [Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]
 113
 114    Me:     Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all
 115            hardwood floors here!
 116    Them:   Dammit! <Yes! 250 points!>
 117            <click>
 118 </PRE>
 119
 120
 121 Some additional ``games'' one can play with telemarketers: <P>
 122 <OL>
 123 <LI>If you recognize they are telemarketers before you have spoken,
 124    pretend you are an answering machine with a message along these
 125    lines. ``Thank you for calling CMTCC, Citizens for Making Telemarketing
 126    a Capital Crime. We now have the support of about 25%
 127    of the legislature. Soon we will be able to execute those worthless,
 128    money grubbing dregs, making the earth a better place to live.
 129    Please send your tax deductible contribution to...'' <P>
 130
 131 <LI>See how many times you can put them on hold. First make sure you get
 132    the name of the person you are talking to, because sooner or
 133    later they will hang up. Then if they call you again, you can express
 134    your righteous indignation at being hung up on, and let them
 135    know you were going to buy/contribute, but given the rudeness of ...
 136    you have decided not to. They key to this one is make the time
 137    they have to hold fairly short. After 30 seconds or so tell them you have
 138    to turn down the stove and put them on hold for 45 secs. On
 139    returning, ask them to start their pitch again. Every time you return have
 140    them restart their pitch. Some good excuses for putting them
 141    on hold for a short while: the kids are fighting, the pet needs to go in/out,
 142    the baby is into ?, someone is at the door, you have a call on
 143    another line, ... <P>
 144
 145 <LI>If you have an answering machine, turn it on so they can here you are
 146    recording the call. Make sure you get the person's name, and the
 147    company's name and address. Then inform them something like this.
 148    ``Under state law I am hereby notifying you that you (you as an
 149    individual and the company) are prohibited from calling this number
 150    (xxx-xxxx) to solicit ever again. If you or the company calls
 151    again, you personally and the company will be liable for penalties
 152    up to $10,000. Is this clear?'' Just something to hopefully make
 153    them nervous. (Actually Virginia came pretty close to passing a law
 154    like this. Unfortunately, the telemarketing lobby bribed our
 155    legislature into killing the bill. Maybe next year...) <P>
 156
 157 <LI>After they have gone through their entire sales pitch, tell them how
 158    interested you are. But first, you want to talk to them about ...
 159    Then launch into a pitch for them to contribute to some charity that
 160    sounds quasi-legit but is really just for your personal benefit. If
 161    they do not contribute, then hang up in righteous indignation that they
 162    are such uncaring human beings. If they will, give then a
 163    address to send the contribution to, thank them, and hang up before they
 164    have a chance to change the subject back to what they called
 165    you about. <P>
 166
 167 <LI>After they have given their entire sales pitch, say you are interested
 168    but first you need the telemarketer's personnel home phone
 169    number. When they ask why tell them that they have your personel home
 170    number so before you complete the deal, you want to be on
 171    even ground with them and you need their number. If they don't give it
 172    to you, yup, you guessed it, hangup in righteous indignation. If
 173    they do, say you will call back to order/contribute. Then do so at some
 174    reasonable hour, in case they have given you a phony number.
 175    But if it is a correct number, post it on the net. Not so anyone would
 176    harrass this person, ;) but so all of us would have the
 177    opportunity to contact this person about whatever it is that is being
 178    telemarketed. And since so many of us are night owls, we will be
 179    calling at a time convenient to us, like 4 am. ;) <P>
 180 </OL>
 181
 182 <!%%Author><ADDRESS>Til HTML av
 183 <A HREF="http://www.td.org.uit.no/~petterr">Petter Reinholdtsen</A></ADDRESS><!%%EndAuthor>
 184
 185 </BODY>
 186 </HTML>
 187